I've been thinking about gaps....

This illustration was originally created around themes of attachment and how I fill the perceived gaps and damage in my brain. I had always thought that I filled my gaps in quite a positive way; art, reading and writing, cycling. So far, so wholesome, right? Except, my partner noticed something that I've been dimly aware of but came into sharp focus last week. I'd been struggling with a family relationship, and my solution? To spend two to three days painting, decorating, decluttering. It was great, I lost myself in cleaning, clearing out and reshaping our spaces. Except, I did what I always do, and overdid it. By day 4 I was so exhausted I could barely function. 'You just can't sit still can you?' He said. I've made a joke about comments like that in the past, seeing my work ethic as a badge of honour. But, what's really so great about working yourself so hard you actually reach near collapse? What this is is a dysfunctional coping mechanism, a way of filling the gaps in my brain before the gloom fills them like potting compost going in a plant pot. I'm not sure why it's taken this long for the penny to drop, and after a lifetime of not being able to sit still, I'm not sure what I'll be able to do about it. But awareness of the problem might be a start. #artandmentalhealth #dycp #artscouncilengland #mentalhealthjourney #artandanxiety